It was March 2009 when I found out the fate of my big brother. We had come home from a trip to Italy in January and he wasn't feeling well. Family Day he ended up in the hospital and by March we found out he was stage 4 cancer. He had cancer in his duodenum and liver and by the time he passed away it reached his lungs too. Within 8 months of finding out the worst news of lives, my big brother passed away. It was a terrible year for me. I had just lost my job to layoffs and decided to go back to school. I fought every day with desperate attempts to find a cure for my brother; I mean, there had to be something we could do. I didn't want to believe it was over and that we just had to wait.
September 2009 my nephew was born. The last of three children; a boy, a girl and then him. My brother decided to stop Chemotherapy the week before his sons birth because he wanted to know his child at least for a few months. (the Chemo and meds made him a zombie) It was a wonderful day. My brother was so happy that day, you would never had guessed he was weeks away from dying. He was happy, truly happy that day.....like he had forgotten his fate for a moment.
I took this picture that day. I later learned it is the only family picture they have. Look at how incredible he looks! It so unfair, I wish he was here. November 7th, 2009. I was in Windsor at a craft show when I got the call. My brother's wife told me he was asking for me; it was time. I drove home faster than I had ever before. When I got there he was in bed, he could hardly move, I laid down beside him and we hugged and cried. Later that night he pulled all his strength together to come and sit with us for one last dinner, the whole family. Then the paramedics came and brought him to the hospital. He said good bye to us all. Told his three children to take care of "Mamma" and he was taken away. That night was difficult. We, basically, were all just waiting for the phone call. The next day we all went to the hospital to see him. He was glowing, he looked so healthy and happy. He knew what was to come and maybe he finally accepted it. We baptized the baby above my brother as he laid in his hospital bed. He didn't have enough energy so I held his arm up so he too could have his hand on the baby when he was blessed. Directly after that the priest blessed my brother with his final rights. It was so overwhelming that my dad passed out and I had to take him down to emergency so they could treat him. If that wasn't enough...the next day would be.
November 9th, 2009. 6 days before my brother's 40th birthday, he passed away. The nurse called to let my sister in law know that his breathing had become sporadic and slow.....that was the sign it was the end. She called me to have me come with her so I could watch the baby for her. When we got there my mom was already there; she had a dream that my brother was calling out to her so she rushed over. All three of us sat there, I held one hand, my sister in law held his other and my mom rubbed his legs. The baby was sleeping in my sister in laws arms. His breath went form one every minute to every two minutes to his last. I held my brother's hand when he took his last breath. It was the most wonderful gift I could have been given but also the worst reality I will ever know. My sister in law gave me the baby and asked me to take my mom and leave the room. They had made a promise to each other that she would be the last person to leave when he was gone. I held that baby so tight, I had to keep it together and he was my strength. When my mom finally realized what had just happened she fell to the ground screaming out his name. Here I was, baby in hand, mother on the floor crying out in agony for her son and then the worst sound I will ever hear in my life came from his room........ my sister in law's cries for the loss of her husband, the love of her life, the father of her children. I promise you that is something you never want to hear. I had to call everyone and tell them the news.
I've shared this because I want you all to understand the level of stress and change in my life during this time. This had all taken place right before my second round of term tests at school. It was a lot for one person to handle. I made it through but not without baggage.
Survivors guilt, I know it well. Many great things are happening to me right now and I feel guilty. Why do I get to live and my brother doesn't. Is he mad at me? Should I have done more? Could I have done more? I just graduated as an RMT, received my registration number, got a job as a Chiropractic Assistant and as an RMT plus started my own RMT Mobile business. I should be happy, instead I cry because I fell maybe I don't deserve to be happy.
Well this all took a toll on me. My 26 pounds lost from Train With Jane now became 11 pounds and everything changed. I began eating terribly and not working out like I was. I would cry after going to the gym out of guilt. It was so hard! Now I have bigger issues but we'll deal with that tomorrow. So now I looked for something to help me with my guilt. I didn't see anyone for therapy when he died so maybe that was the answer, therapy. Then I learned of something called NET Neuro Emotional Technique. Dr Rebecca LeSage was one of my teachers and she performs this technique at Be Well She helped me overcome my fear of sleeping alone in my house. (I had every light on in the house when my husband was away for business and I didn't sleep) So now I will begin treatments for my guilt and my fear of needles but that's unrelated to my story here. I will let you know how my treatments are going! I need to get passed this guilt and finally let my brother "rest in peace"
This is me......creating wellness in my life.
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